It's Almost Over: 2016
by 80sarcades
Summary: On November 8th, 2016, America will choose one of two candidates for President of the United States. Will it be Hogan...or Hochstetter?
1. Chapter 1

_**It's Almost Over: 2016**_  
 _ **by 80sarcades**_

* * *

 _Welcome! Be warned: this isn't a traditional 'Hogan's Heroes' story by any means...mainly just for fun!_

 _Back in 2012 I wrote a story called "It's Almost Over" where Hogan and Hochstetter ran for President. It could be more described as 'organized crack fic' but really...after this LONG and stressful American election season we all need a bit of humor. If the words below make at least one person laugh then it was well worth writing._

 _I highly recommend reading the other tale first (there's a spoiler below) but both stories could stand alone. Have fun!_

 _Disclaimer: I work for no campaign or candidates of any type. With that being said one of the candidates...and it should be fairly obvious...will receive, shall we say, a bit of a drubbing..._

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 _; Warning! The following contains political humor of a non-party candidate based nature. Turn back if necessary._

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 _; Don't you want to read the original 'It's Almost Over..." first? It's available on fan fiction dot net...for free! Free! Just look under my screen name._

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 _; Don't forget to vote! Everyone's voice should be heard!_

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 _; Ok, now that I've delayed you enough...on with the story!_

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 _November 8th, 2016  
_ _VOX News Channel:_

"...and as we head into the final day of this election I'm tempted to look back on the normality of the Klink campaign," Megan Riley said, her eyes looking a bit wistful. "I just wish the man described as 'one of the most successful Presidents in modern history' had run for another term as President. Remember President Klink's famous slogan? 'Don't think, vote Klink!'"

Carla Whitmore laughed. "Oh, yes," she smiled fondly, remembering past days gone by. "It almost makes his campaign seem old fashioned. Just really...". A blank look entered her eyes for a moment. "What were we talking about?"

"Um...". Megan was suddenly at a loss for words before a smile broke out on her beautiful face. "Oh, I can't remember!" she laughed moments before her co-announcer joined in. She looked out beyond the studio cameras. "Does someone..." she prompted.

"The election!" a distant - and seemingly tired - voice called.

"Right! The election!" both women parroted! "Now, who's running again?"

"Oh, for crying out loud..." the same frustrated voice rang out before Megan waved him off.

"Just kidding!" she said brightly before facing the home audience. "Our latest nationwide tracking poll has candidates Hogan and Hochstetter in a dead heat nationally - 45% for Hogan and 46% for Hochstetter, well within the margin of error. The battleground states of Michigan, New York, Pennsylvania, Iowa and Wisconsin are all up for grabs by either party. This election is unprecedented in that traditionally blue states - or vice versa - could wind up in the other candidate's column. Carla, any final thoughts?"

"Only that I wish someone had a catchy phrase this time!" she complained. "I mean, 'Hochstetter for America'? 'America's Hogan'?" Carla rolled her eyes and shook her head. "No one does any original thinking anymore!"

"Oh, that's so true!" Megan commiserated. "The debates were bad enough! It's almost like watching two boxers go head to head and wondering who's going to get the knockout punch...". She frowned, clearly confused. "Were we just talking about Mike Tyson?" she wondered aloud.

"And I actually supported repealing the Second amendment to the Constitution..." the unseen voice moaned softly. No one paid any attention.

"Coming up, more boxing highlights!" Megan cheerfully announced. "Keep it right here on VOX news! We'll be back in a minute..."

 _(Screen fades to blackness before a campaign ad appears. What, you think you were going to escape them in this story?)_

"Secretary Hogan..." a deep, almost creepy, male voice announced.

 _(Scene of ISIS fighters in the streets)_

"Our diplomat in chief..."

 _(Another scene, this time of a building on fire. A crowd outside watches in glee as an American flag goes up in flames.)_

"...and a disaster for America."

 _(A nuclear fireball suddenly flashes onscreen and rolls upward into mushroom fire)_

"Hogan's next failure may be our last," the narrator continued. "Make the right choice for America. Vote Hochstetter for President...before it's too late..."

* * *

 _(A/N: And so election day begins...)_


	2. Election Snippets

_**It's Almost Over: 2016**_  
 _ **by 80sarcades**_

* * *

 _Welcome back! More elegantly classical cracktime snippets from a world not unlike our own..._

* * *

 _(Blank screen. An ad for a new TV show passes by quickly. So do the other forgettable 'please-please-elect-me' ads. They're not paying me to put anything in here anyway. So there. Eventually, the viewer turns the channel to ZNN...)_

"...and if you're just joining us our Reality Team! (tm) is hot on the trail of our next President!" a distinguished looking gentleman with white hair declared. "Our most recent tracking polls show the battleground states locked in a dead heat. Nationally both candidates poll at 46%, again within the margin of error."

"I'm curious, Tom," Chandra Norris, one of the panel guests, piped in. "Who accounts for the other 8%?

"That's a good question!" the host boomed before he reached for a sheet of paper. "Let's see...the usual totals for the Libertarian and Green Party losers...and..." He quirked an eyebrow. "This can't be right," he muttered before he looked up and beyond the omnipresent cameras. "All right," he called out. "Joke's over. Who did it?"

The rest of the panel looked on quizzically while Tom held a finger to his earpiece. Finally, he sighed heavily. "And here I thought the election couldn't get any stranger...". With that, he tossed the offending paper to the side. One of the show members caught the errant sheet before reading the contents.

"Five percent of voters want Jed Bartlet!?" she exclaimed in disbelief. "You're kidding me! He's a fictional character! _The West Wing_ , for God's sake!"

"And apparently he's alive and well in tracking polls..." the host muttered before he quickly changed the subject. "New topic" he called out. "Polls aside, who do you think will win today's election, and why? Paula, do you want to start?"

"Secretary Hogan, of course!" his guest immediately replied. "She has the stamina and intelligence to make a really great President!"

"Oh, please!" another member interjected. "If Secretary Hogan is elected she'll have that whole email scandal hanging over her head! Not to mention the whole 'pay-for-play' foundation scandal-"

"Which was never proved!" Chandra piped up. "The Russians obviously doctored the emails! We don't know what's really accurate if anything was accurate at all! Not to mention that the director of the FBI recently cleared the Secretary of any wrongdoing!"

"And that means what, exactly?" Jack Morrison, a VOX news contributor, questioned. "Just that someone put pressure on the FBI to 'Just Say No!' There's no way the FBI could have gone through those emails so quickly!"

"You guys at VOX just don't want to face reality," Chandra snapped, her tone smug with victory. "Come January 20, 2017 it will be President _Gertrude_ Hogan who has the last laugh!"

"And once she's in there will be no immigration control!" he flared, rising to the occasion…not to mention the obvious bait. "At least Hochstetter will build his ring of steel and protect our borders!" At that point Tom quickly broke through the din.

"And that, dear listeners, is why I should spike the coffee with vodka before starting the program!" he yelled over the still bickering guests. "Coming up: Wolfgang Hochstetter receives a major endorsement from the adult entertainment industry! More after this..."

* * *

( _And yet, more political ads. Frankly, if flatscreens weren't so expensive you would have probably shot the TV by now._ _Or at least bludgoned it with a baseball bat in a bid to keep your political sanity._ _Let's channel surf..._

"...for that special couple in your life you can have these special 'I'm with Her' designs tattooed on each other!" a female voice cooed. "Just perfect for that upcoming victory party-"

 _(Changes channel. A sad and lonely 'everyday joe' type sits miserably alone at a table in a crowded restaurant. Oddly a plain red pennant, suspended on a black wire, flies limply at attention in his hand)_

"Do you know someone like this?" a calm and reasoned male voice asked. "Are you afraid of the choices they could make that could harm themselves and others? It's time..."

 _(Suddenly, the man's face brightens as a group of people sit down at the table and begin to chat. His pennant, now colored blue, bobs up and down in excited animation as he enters into conversation)_

"...to make the right choice," the man continues. "Here at the Centers for Voter Redemption our trained election interventionists will help your loved one make the right choice for a better America. Don't let them suffer when we're only a phone call away..."

 _(Disclaimer: While all patients can be helped, not all can be cured._ _In rare cases an exorcist may be required._ _These instances may result in obnoxious behavior and grabbing of certain female anatomical parts._ _Consult a priest before taking action._ _In most situations the patients hair will turn blonde and overly thick during treatment._ _This is natural and will fade quickly._ _Other side effects include nausea, beady eyes, a tendency to override conversations in a loud voice and hovering menacingly over people you don't like.)_

"Make the right choice for the ones you love," the announcer continued. "Call us at 1-888-SAV-EMNOW..."

 _(More channel surfing)_

"...and K-Tel records is proud to offer this knockoff version of _"Hochstetter's Greatest Election Hits!_ _"_ an ebullient and way-WAY-too-much caffeinated male voice declared. "Get down and go funky with such voter classics as:

 _"Nasty Nasty Nasty, Nasty Nasty Woman!"_

 _"She's fat, I'm rich, so there!"_

 _"A-U-D-I-T! That's the name of game for me!"_

 _"All I want for Christmas/Is a Purple Heart, you see!"_

 _Plus more!_

"And of course Wolfgang's Number 1 hit, that all-American patriotic wonder:"

 _"God Bless the Ring of Steel!"_

"Download your set for just $9.99 today!" the man finished. "Act now on this limited time offer! Available on the KTEL app or go to..."

* * *

 _A/N: And just when you thought the election couldn't sink to a new low...lol._

 _Sorry folks, but I couldn't resist having Gertrude Linkmeyer Hogan stand in as 'Candidate Hogan'. I liked her character on HH and if anyone can take on Hochstetter, she can! Now if you don't mind I'll get in my vintage asbestos suit since I'm sure someone will flame me for marrying Hogan off..._


	3. And the winner is

_**It's Almost Over: 2016  
by 80sarcades**_

* * *

Welcome _back to the final chapter of the contentious candidate crackfic condunrum! Enjoy! My apologies for the late delay._

* * *

 _(Another change of the channel. TV, the digital frontier, I mused. These are the voyages of the U.S.S. Flatscreen…_

 _Ooops. Sorry. Really shouldn't have watched that **Star Trek** marathon last night…ah, here we go! MSZBC and an attractive announcer, anyone?)_

"…we've just learned of a case of voter intimidation at one of our nation's nuclear plants! The owner, one Charles Montgomery Burns, seen here attending the Kennedy assassination hearings, has allegedly attempted to force his employees to vote for Wolfgang Hochstetter! Our sources have obtained this internal plant video…

 _(Scene changes to up-close-and-nauseating-image of the person in question)_

"Hello, fellow employees!" Burns began jovially. "As you well know the new election season is upon us! We have two candidates running to be President. The first, as you well know, is that paragon of masculine virtue Wolfgang Hochstetter…"

 _(The picture immediately cuts to Hochstetter, flanked by Roman soldiers, slowly gliding down a street in an expensive open-air car. Crowds on either side cheer him on amid a fanfare of trumpets.)_

"…and then we have…HER...," Burns sneered, his voice deepening in disgust.

 _(A sea of fire and demons suddenly greet the viewer's eyes. It reminds one of being stuck in a long line with kids at an amusement park on the hottest part of the day. Or, similarly, reaching the head of the DMV line only to find out you have the wrong forms…which are available on the other side of town. Take your pick.)_

"Now then!" Burns piped in, his voice back to being cheerful. "If you could see your way towards voting Republican I'll give you this shiny new quarter-"

"Um, sir, that's illegal in this state," a off-screen voice prompted. The plant owner frowned in annoyance.

"Fine then," he spat. "We'll buy them off with some peanut brittle. Happy now?"

"Well, technically that's still bribery too, sir! I—"

A long, drawn out scream rang through the room before the trap door slowly retracted back into place. Montgomery Burns sighed.

"It's getting so hard to find a decent lackey nowadays…"

With that, the scene switched back to the newsroom and the seemingly horrified co-hosts.

"Shocking," one of them said, shaking her head. "Has no one investigated—"

 _(Another change of the channel. Hmmm…there has to be something interesting…)_

"…the rebroadcast of the second 2016 Presidental debate!" a voice declared. Seconds later the image of an empty debate stage appeared onscreen. A white haired man turned and faced the audience.

"My name is Cooper Anders, the moderator for tonight's debate, and I'd like to thank everyone for attending the second of three Presidential debates. Our two candidates will appear momentarily to debate on a wide range of topics selected by you, the viewer, before we threw those responses out and replaced them with questions of our own. And now I'd like to introduce the Democratic and Republican candidates…Secretary Gertrude Hogan and Wolfgang Hochstetter!"

 _(Two figures walk out on stage. After the perfunctory shaking of hands they go to their respective corners…er, podiums)_

"Now then," Cooper said, facing the candidates, "as you know you have a two-minute window of opportunity to answer each question posed to you. Your opponent has one minute for rebuttal. However, since it's obvious you won't follow the rules the questioning will be more of a free-for-all. When you hear this sound…

(A chainsaw, its white shell gleaming underneath the stage lights, suddenly appeared in Cooper's hands before making its signature noise known.)

"…you'll know it's time to shut up or else." He let the threat dangle in the air for a moment. "Any questions?"

At the negative shake from both candidates Cooper proceeded onward. "Then good luck. May the best woman win—"

"Aha!" Hochstetter crowed. "This election is obviously rigged! And I have the proof-"

Suddenly he fell quiet as the noisy sound of a chainsaw rippled throughout the arena.

"Of course," he hastily backpedaled. "I could be wrong." Cooper merely smiled and turned to the Democratic candidate.

"Secretary Hogan," he said graciously. "You've faced an uphill challenge to get this far. After your failed 2008 presidential bid you went on to become the Secretary of State under President Klink as well as win the Nobel Peace Prize. However, some critics have said that the email issue as well as the pay-for-play allegations make you unfit to be President. What do you say to that?"

"Well, they're misguided," Gertrude said in a slightly raspy, though strong, voice. "America needs strong and motivated leaders right now. If you wait around for a leader to fix the problems we now face then we're going to be waiting for a very long time. However, I've been fortunate to watch our current President in action close up and I think that, given the chance, I could be effective in leading our country and leaving a prosperous America for our children and grandchildren."

Cooper nodded. "And you, Mr. Hochstetter?"!

"I am qualified," Wolfgang said bluntly, his nasally voice washing over the audience in an unpleasant wave. "I am the most qualified individual in history to be President. I've built businesses and created jobs. Gertrude has had scandal after scandal. We don't need any more of that." He into the audience. "And that man there," he declared, his voice rising in affected anger, "is proof positive that the Republican and Democratic parties are conspiring against me! He's the most dangerous man in America!"

Surprisingly the target of the finger, one Robert E. Hogan, merely responded with a smug grin.

"Leave my husband out of this!" Gertrude snapped, the scorn dripping from her lips. "Have you no shame?"

Her Republican counterpart was unfazed as he shrugged his shoulders. "It's got me this far, hasn't it?" he deadpanned. Cooper quickly interrupted.

"Moving on," he announced. "A question for you, Mr. Hochstetter. What will be your first action if you're elected to be President of the United States?"

Wolfgang paused to take a deep breath before responding. "I. Will build. A ring. Of steel." he announced, emphasizing each word. "It'll be the biggest ring of steel ever devised. We'll get the Mexicans and Canadians to pay for it—

"Oh, here we go again," Gertrude breathed in mock frustration to audience laughter. Hochstetter was undeterred.

"It will keep out the illegal aliens that are flooding into this country. And the real aliens. Our country will be safe once again from the illegal immigrants swarming this country! I will be the Man of Steel, keeping this country safe-"

"I've known the real Man of Steel," Secretary Hogan said coolly as she looked directly at her husband. "He's a true gentleman. And believe me, he doesn't need any blue pills—"

 _(The channel changed abruptly before the good-looking author blushed._

 _Sorry folks, this story only has a 'K+' rating. You didn't really need to see what happened after that. Move along, move along…)_

 _(Multiple channels flick through several gyrations of color before the image comes to rest on a room full of thick, grayish steam. A heavy, rhythmic breathing suddenly echoes loudly from the surround sound speakers. At that moment a tall, dark and helmeted figure stepped grandly from the mist before intimidating the camera with his presence)._

"You would be unwise not to make your vote heard," the mask intoned mechanically. "Choose your candidate…"

 _(Vader ignites his lighsaber, illuminating his mask in a unholy reddish glow)_

"or…suffer the consequences.."

 _(Disclaimer: Neither Emperor Palpatine, the employees, hangers-on, sycophants, brown nosers, and other staff of Galactic Empire, Incorporated, endorse any Earth candidate. Lord Vader will not hunt you down like a dog if you refuse to vote but will send one of his lackeys to audit your tax returns in ways that would make a IRS agent squeal in delight. Long live Emperor Palpatine!)_

 _(Another press of the remote button)_

-Gertrude will make such a great president-

 _(Still another channel...)_

"Hochstetter's the man!" a middle aged voter declared, gleefully holding up a "Hochstetter for Victory" campaign sign.

 _(The TV snaps off before the owner, in a fit of frustration, throws the remote at the wall flatscreen. It missed the target entirely before clattering noisily to the floor.)_

* * *

 _Later that night..._

"...and the final polls have closed in Alaska," Cooper Anders noted professionally before turning to the electoral map listing the called red and blue states. "ZNN can now project, due to the results in Florida, the winner of the 2016 Presidential race! And the winner is…"

* * *

 _A/N: A long time ago there was once a TV series called **Benson**. The two main characters, running for Governor, waited to find out the election results...and then the series ended without a winner. A good ending, I think...but not one that will apply tonight._

 _Tomorrow morning (hopefully!) we will find out the name of our President-Elect. We may or may not like the eventual result...but I can only hope that we, as Americans, can act like civilized adults and respect the outcome...at least until the next Presidental election._

 _God bless America!_


End file.
